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my:
wow shell, i admire your spirit very much. i always think that you have bigger courage and strength compared to me. emang ya, orang itu cobaannya beda2. dan setaon belakangan ini, aku bener2 berjuang sama personal issues yang nempel waktu aku di indo. dan itu buat aku jadi galau, bingung, ada waktunya aku ga tau siapa aku sebenernya. dan hidup itu juga jalan terus. ada masalah cowok, kuliah dan hal2 lainnya.

aku setuju banget sama kamu. aku juga sekarang males hang out sama orang yang aku ga suka. aku bener2 selektif sama temen2ku. ga semua orang bisa jadi temen. males banget lah, dengerin kata orang, harus seperti yang orang laen bilang. kita ini kan hidup buat kita sendiri.

woa, kenpapa tiba2 jerman? a great choice nonetheless. cuma ya, sekarang aku agak skeptis nih. soalnya di mana2 krisis. jerman ga terlalu kena krisis si, tapi emang bener ada hambatan bahasa. jadi, belajar bahasa tu penting banget. harus fasih juga. buat social life juga. mereka ga anggap kamu insider klo ngomong bahasa mereka aja kamu ga bisa. dan kayanya ga terlalu banyak orang jerman yang bisa bahasa inggris juga... be prepared for the cultural shock as well. i'm not a big fan of germans, btw :p kulturnya beda. mereka dengerin musiknya beda. preference beda. gitu2 d... *aduuuh, jadi curhat sama pengalaman pribadi. yaaa, buat banyak orang ga gampang. apalagi klo mereka indo-oriented banget. jadinya anak2 indo sini banyak yang kumpul sama anak2 indo doang. not me, anyway :p

kadang ya, aku mikir, kok hidup itu susah ya. banyak cobaan. banyak yang harus dilaluin. banyak orang yang hidup itu kayanya gampang2 aja. ga terpojok di tiang gantungan. i'm so tired of dodging the bullet all the time just to survive. nonetheless, it's much better than dodging real bullets like kids in war zone. thus, i still feel much much grateful about life i have now, no matter what. mungkin ini sudah jalannya kali ya. masing2 orang tu ada nasibnya sendiri2.

aku setuju banget shel. hidup orang indo itu kebanyakan kaya gitu2 doang. yang paling aku ga suka itu, masa si mereka ga pertanyain, di hidup itu cuma ada yang kaya gitu doang? so useless. i'm so sick of stupid lazy people who don't think beyond what they see. i blame those people for all the hardships and rejections i experienced in the past. aku sendiri, juga mikir, masa si aku mau hidup kaya gitu2 aja. habis kuliah, kerja, jadi designer terkenal, bangun banyak proyek... and then what? i want to find something that really matters and passionate for me. then it brings me back to art. for years, i struggle to resolve this undying question: to do or not to do. but i guess, after years trying to ignore it and unable to forget it, i think i just need to do it.

klo aku ngeliat kamu berjuang selama ini ya, aku ngerasa duh, kayanya aku cengeng banget ya. cobaan yang kaya gini aja aku uda mengeluh2. ntar gimana mau ngadepin yang di depan. i think i need to be more persevering and shove the crap in my life quietly, obediently, scoop after scoop. then start to plant flowers that spread fragrant smell. the truth is i'm just so sick and tired with all the craps and abuse that were delivered by my families. i'm a victim, but i'll never be able to avenge that kind of things. it's just so repellent to think about. i follow sessions after sessions to bring my feeling back, to fix the broken system inside me. it's not fair. i always think that way. tapi ya at the end of the day, mau gimana lagi. klo kamu ga move on, kamu bakal kehilangan hidupmu. kamu sendiri yang rugi. so yes, i also have moved on. a lot. i think from the person who i was two years ago, wooooww, i change so much! i believe that i'm much better now. in many ways, and yeah, there are sacrifices to make. semua itu ada harganya. ga terkecuali. and i have agreed on the price before, so i should not complain now. despite all of it, at times, i still feel sentimental about myself. at times, i miss the person and the life i had. not because it's better but because it feels so much familiar. hence, my source of anxiety and doubts. i do hope that all of these will be over soon. that the day when i feel completely convenient and safe about myself will come. no more suspicion and worriness. now i have a big intimacy issues, you know. i can't and don't trust people easily. the same goes for boys. aduuuhhh, co2 yang aku kecengin selama di sini, orang2 ga bener semua. yang deket2in juga kayanya ga bener2 semua. tau ga si shell, dua co yang aku suka (dan yang belakangan aku suka) itu kaya 'temen deket'ku dan mereka itu punya loneliness issue di mana mereka itu have friends with benefit relationship sama ce yang mereka ga gitu kenal. dan yang paling parah itu, co yang terakhir aku suka itu, salah satu dari mereka itu, dan aku juga masi punya feeling sama dy gitu. aduuuuhh. you get it, right? ini bukan cuma hts an lo. tapi mereka itu fuck buddy. yang tiap weekend ketemu, co itu admit klo dy ga suka sama tu ce, tapi dy ngerasa klo ga bakal ada ce yang mau sama dy, jadi dy stick sama tu ce... dan dy kan sekarang di austria ya, aku mau kunjungin dy. dan sekarang ce itu cemburu sama aku.. aduuuuhhhh. i guess my position is no better than hers. no matter how i see it, he's not a good guy with principles and such. therefore i strongly think that i shouldn't be with him. but i still have the feeling. nah lo, jadi apa yang aku pikirin itu ga sama dengan apa yang aku rasain. in my ideal world, i hope that he's a decent guy who loves me and reliable. but he's not. he's just a lost young man trying to figure out things in his life. on the other hand, i feel so lonely and thirsty of love to the point of longing for anyone who i think i like. oh no, what a trap. but maybe, not opposing the feeling and just enjoying it are the answers for my problem. of course, that kind of stuffs is chemical. i can't control it. well, anyway, just want to tell you how screwed my fate with boys is. so, i don't expect to get married in near future. aduuuhh, kayanya ga kebayang banget deh.

i guess i have to end it here right now. i have a big big day ahead to munich :) best of luck to you all :)