2days hollyday...

Shell : Kemaren vivi ke bandung...ye ye ye...kita maen ke tahura...yang ternyata tembus ke lembang...jalan 5km++ hahaha...masuk gua jepang, lewat gua belanda,n liat curug omas maribaya yg tinggi banget n jembatane ga banget bikin jantungku mau copot... Trus makan seafood akeh bgt di HDl...karaokean...hihihi...trus maen ke braga n mampir sumber hidangan n mampir museum mandala wangsit siliwangi...hoho...cerita selengkapnya silahkan lho vi...hehehe...
Sering2 ke bandung...menemaniku yang kesepian... ;p

Sekarang aku lagi sibuk jaga klinik gitu, praktek kecil2an sih..belum bisa buat biaya hidup sebulan tapi mayanlah...doain aja makin banyak tempat prakteknya n makin laris banyak pasiennya (secara ga langsung mendoakan orang sakit)...n saran2 kalian sangat berguna...aku akhirnya emg ngehubungin senior2ku n minta ke mereka nawarin diri...n syukur direspon baik n banyak dpt jatah jaga juga, meski masih yg sedikit2 pasiennya, tp mayanlah... :)

Aku masih bingung dengan masa depanku...kmrn sempet ditawari jadi dosen maranatha sama dosenku....masih bingung...apa suatu saat aku mau jadi dosen ataw gmn...dah comfy bgt d bandung n pengen terus di bandung...tapi pengen juga coba keluar jawa n cari pengalaman baru meski sedikit takut...hah...masih bingung, hahaha...

My,km ga ada rencana pulang indo taun ini?????

The Best Dinner Ever!!

My:

Ola girls :) I just finished having dinner with my frens. most of them are my classmates. the rest are my classmates' girlfren or boyfren. hahaha. spent FOUR hours cooking 4 stuffs: tumis kangkung, soto tangkar, ayam goreng + sambal, fuyunghai. so so so tired. when my frens come i let them talk first for a while when i have a shower (because i was so busy cooking, i don't have time for shower). but i should say, it's worth it!!! :D :D :D :D you don't know (and it's impossible to know exactly) how happy i am with their coming to my house and appreciate my cooking. i'm really happy they like indonesian food. and four hours of cooking just feel like nothing, you know :)

i am a pessimistic person by nature. and also a negative thinker by nature. melancholic by nature. but i try my hardest to look at the bright side of the world most of the time now. and maybe, because of that, i also attract all the positive persons :) you know, i'm so tired being at the dark side of the street. worrying about whether this or that person really care about me, and how they see me in their eyes. how i can say the right words, say the right topic, say the right opinion. but with this kind of person, i don't have to worry about those things anymore. they're open minded. they don't think much or gossiping much about other persons. (ps: i truly hate those -south-east asian things where they talk about everything about other people) with them, i feel that my horizon is expanding... very far until you can't see anything beyond it. i feel great and i feel so free :)

you know, i talk to my psychiatrist (ok, i'm now seeing a shrink now :p because i'm a little bit mentally disturbed). and i said to her how i want to change. how i feel so fed up with all i have in indonesia (not literally everything..). how i want to get rid of the things i dislike and start doing things i like, only :) well, that's not completely possible, but i really want to do it, you know. now, i feel that i'm on the right track, and now, i can confirm, if i stop worrying about things, i'll be just fine. i'll be fine, and i'll be great. after years of mental depression, i want to break free and taste life, live it till the fullest.

emang agak susah dijelasin ya... tapi apa yang aku rasain sekarang, bener2 sesuatu yang... besar... ada feeling yang ngedorong aku buat jadi lebih, lebih, lebih terus tiap hari. lakuin apa yang harus aku lakuin. berusaha ngelakuin apa yang ga pernah aku lakuin :) aku uda ga mau terlalu mikirin hal2 negatif yang aku liat di sekelilingku (ok, itu emang susah banget, terutama karena aku uda sangat terbiasa untuk ngelakuin itu). tapi, sekarang, aku mau lebih open minded. ngelakuin hal2 yang ga pernah aku lakuin sebelumnya dan lebih terbuka nerima ide2 baru dari sekelilingku.

tau ga, hari ini, weiwei has dinner with the potential girlfriend. even without i want to think about it, aku inggeeet aja terus sama hal itu. yah, hal itu buat aku sedih, buat aku sebel (makanya tadi pagi waktu di gym, olahraganya kenceng banget soalnya aku marah2 gitu emosinya. haha). tapi ya, on second thought, klo aku pikir semua itu hanya dengan akal aja, sebetulnya ga terlalu deket ma dy itu lebih baik. lebih baik jangan terlalu deket ma orang yang sukanya ngomel doang... well, there are things of him which i thought will drive me crazy.. hm, sorry ya girls, klo aku kesannya kaya mengasihani n menangisi diri sendiri. but for some parts, i feel that it's quite difficult to erase the bitterness completely from my head and heart (even though i already succesfully put other layers of great memories above it)

....

anyway, just want to tell u i'm fine and i'll be great. hope u will as well :)


goede avond :)

Now, Here I am :)

Eh, blom ada yang komentar dari post2 yang kemaren aku tulis ya? haha. tapi ga tau juga klo kalian2 uda baca ato blom. klo sekarang aku ngeliat post2 itu, jadi malu sendiri. kok rasanya aku emosional n melankolis banget ya :p pengennya si aku bisa mandiri, tegar, kuat dari awal. tapi kayanya emang perlu pelampiasan emosi dulu si. hahaha.

sekarang pagi hari jam 9. bentar lagi mau mandi n ke kampus buat ngerjain desain lagi. biasa.. project :p besok presentasi euy. paling ga, buat desainnya aku uda mau beresin dan tinggal terima feedback aja. jadi ntar bisa aku polish, terus aku buat final presentation materialnya.

oya, alesannya aku nulis di post ini sekarang, bukan mau ngedumel2 lagi. but i want to tell u that i'm fine now. really. truthfully. honestly. uda ga sedih ato marah lagi. dan lucunya ya, berkat 'cobaan' itu, aku jadi ngerasa aku tu upgrade kualitas hidupku gitu. jadi kaya blessing in disguise d. yah, kayanya buat aku, co2 dari (south) east asia itu emang brengsek2 semua. pada ga beres. uda, mau beralih aliran ke co2 western aja. kayanya mereka lebih ngehargain ce gitu (kesanku secara general ya... tapi tetep tergantung orang juga si). yah, anyway, anggep aja itu pelajaran ya. dan semua sakit ati dan rasa2 ga enak yang aku laluin itu sebagai biaya kursusnya. klo aku terlalu pikirin untung ruginya, bisa edan aku. karena gimanapun, aku tetep ngerasa, 'ah, harusnya aku bisa ngelakuin lebih baik dari itu' :p sekarang si, aku bersyukur aja ya. bisa ngelewatin semua masa2 itu dengan baik. karena, ada juga kemungkinan aku jadi edan beneran ato jadi psycho ato jadi terobsesi ato jadi ga beres, ato... well, i just want to be grateful for everything.

kemaren aku baru nonton film 'how do you know'. yang menarik ya, ada quotation 'courage is mastering fear, not the absence of it'. bagus quotationnya :) bener juga ya. sebetulnya, itu hampir ga mungkin kita tu ga punya rasa takut sama sekali. dan andaikan itu mungkin, itu kita capai dengan cara mengendalikannya. klo dipikir2.. oh, ga perlu jadi superman juga ya untuk jadi hebat. hahaha.

you know, my fren suggests me to remember how i go through the hardship, so that the next time i face similar situation, i can use the old trick again. so, here goes.

1. waktu ngelupain si co korea itu, aku bener2 gila2an si. mulai dari ngerawat bunga (yang akhirnya cuma 1x 2 hari aku siram ma aku jemur deket jendela sepanjang hari), ikutan gym & boxing class (yeah!), sampe nyari click baru (tempat biasa ngobrol2 klo di kelas). shortly, mencari suasana baru. try to enhance your life quality by changing simple things in your life ;)

2. sekarang.. uda semua hampir dilakuin, apa lagi dong? aku juga bingung si awalnya. tapi ternyata, dengan bener2 berusaha untuk bahagia dan berusaha membuat 'synthetic happiness' (this is a real term, used by psychologist from harvard. u can check it out), kita tu beneran bisa bahagia. tau ga, awal2 ya, aku ngerasa ga enak banget. rasanya sedih berlebihan, menyesal juga, ga karu2an d. saat itu ya, aku minta tolong temenku (1 ce 1 co), minta pendapat mereka dari sudut pandang masing2. klo yang co yaa, paling ga, aku bisa mengerti situasinya dari sudut pandangnya si dia.. jadi, aku ngerasa lebih nyaman aja. klo yang ce, emang tu orang positif banget. berkat banjiran kata2 positif dari tu orang, aku jadi semangat lagi d. emang bener, hidup itu ga boleh disia2in. gimanapun caranya ;)

pengalaman ini ya buat aku sadar, klo dulu cara pikirku kan, keep your best frens around you always and create a circle around it; itu sama sekali salah. susah banget buat beberapa orang doang support kamu. in fact, life is hard. so, it will be very hard for them to sustain themselves and you at the same time. tapi, klo kamu bisa buat network dengan banyak orang di sekelilingmu, dan buat circle itu semakin kabur, ketika ada hal2 macam gini, kamu ga perlu bergantung ma satu dua orang aja (yang blom tentu cocok buat ngebantu kamu), tapi bisa ada banyak orang yang kamu minta bantuannya. sedikit2 aja dari tiap orang, tapi karena kamu nerima dari banyak orang, jadinya dapet support yang besar d.

3. mengalihkan perhatian ke kegiatan2 yang lebih positif. u know, hari senen itu, tanganku masi dingin2 gara2 stress ga jelas. habis itu, aku ikutan samba class di gym, n i feel better. the next day, i feel little bit horrible and i focus myself on my project and again, samba class. i did dance my sorrows away, you know. dan sekarang, aku mau fokus ke boxing. ada target laen yang pengen aku capai. aku pengen ikutan kompetisi boxing. rasanya lucu aja, klo aku latian tiap minggu, berusaha sebaik2nya tapi ya cuma buat gitu2an aja. paling ga, klo aku ada keinginan buat ikutan kompetisi, itu bakal boost my performance. dan buat aku makin semangat latian juga. klo stiff neck ku uda sembuh (kayanya ni gara2 ga pernah digerakin d..), aku mau sit up ma push up tiap hari buat ngelatih abs ma arms ku. kayanya lemah banget tu bagian tubuhku.

yang lebih lucu lagi, sebelum ini kan aku angot2an gitu ya, buat ngerjain studio. tapi sekarang, aku kontak banyak orang buat ngebantu aku dari segi methodology ma presentasi. ga peduli, klo mereka ga suka, kan mereka bisa nolak. dan bagusnya, semuanya setuju buat ngebantu aku. jadi nambah networking juga si :D hehehe. it makes my life more colorful as well. i'm so glad that i did that, although at first i feel so awkward. karena ga biasa ngelakuin itu semua :p

if u ask me how i feel now, klo dicari2 ya, emang masi ada sedikit rasa ga enak gitu ya.. tapi, ini baru hari keempat loh!! dan aku uda ngerasa sangat positif tentang banyak hal. jadi aku rasa, ini progress yang amat sangat bagus.

and now, if i can put words into lyrics and melody, 'my interpretation' by MIKA will fit it very well :)

ah udah ah, kayanya jadi meracau makin ga jelas. ciao ciao.

Fuck Him!

Call me emotional, call me menstrual, I don't care, as long as I'm bitching out here only :p ok, sekarang akal sehatku uda balik. dan aku ngerasa, he's just sooo not worth it. you know what, i sell my bike for 30 euro to him (cos i bought it from him for 30), but the tire is broken so i need to change it. it cost me 30 euro. shortly, i give my bike for free to him. and he paid me, with one dinner where he used me as his guinea pig. he served the food which he will cook for the girl the next day and asked me for opinion. do u think the food is fine enough? bla3. shit man, i feel so used by him. ok, maybe i never realized it before. but at a certain point, i always take him for granted. and i always forget what he said or done. now, when i finally able to sense all the feelings and my surroundings pretty well, i just realized... oh my god!!! what kind of horrible person he could be??? in short, FUCK HIM. and i cry for that bastard :p

well, never mind though. last night, i had this sleepover with my close fren. i talked a lot about it to her, and she helped me a lot with wise words and quotation. during this kind of period, i just realized how helpful God can be :p yeah, it turns out that i still need religion. even though i already lose a lot of my faith to him.

anyhow, she suggested me to write down how i overcome the sadness and grief. and i learnt a little bit from my experience with sang. what i did was.
1. engage in new activities. i join gym, sport classes, boxing class! buy flower, join workshop, join student organization, talk to my professor more, be more active in discussion and asking for tutorial for my project.

2. meet new people. in every possible way of meeting new people, i always join. go to party together, say hello and make conversation with girls i met at gym. i expand my network, you know! and i also contact some new researcher to help me with my project :p

i think that's all i did that time. plus, i spent too much time with that bastard weiwei. ok, now i think he's an asshole in my life. i don't know whether it's temporary judgment or not. or whether it's just me pissed off by some of his action. i also don't know whether i have this reaction because i like him more than friends or because i like him too much as a close friend. hmm, sounds so confusing. hahaha.

and i think about another point. i will add point number 3 for this case ;)
3. make new awesome memories to overlap the old fucking memories. you know, lately, all the things i did with him or related to him just pop up in my head, one after another. and it's so damn scary! i never realized before that i did so many things with him together. and it's so annoying knowing that i have a lot of memories (good ones, memorable ones, i think) with him!!! shit... so, what i want to do is create new layer, more awesome memories on top of it, so that i will only remember the better more recent one. and it motivates me to travel too. last spring break, i didn't go anywhere because i'm too tired of travelling (i travel too much during xmas!). now, i just want to go. i don't care alone or with whom. i need to go. and i have to go. that will clear up my mind a little bit. last xmas, that travel also clears up my mind, so i guess, it will be good for me. i'm thinking about berlin or barcelona :D they have promo for the ticket, you know :D

aarrgh, so in short, hey vivi, maybe you're right. i become so melancholic these days because of different environment and hardships i encounter. but now, i feel that i can live on my own, SUPER WELL (you know, dutch here likes to say 'super' in place of 'very'. i think i'm influenced by them -_-). don't worry, i won't cry over those things anymore. i just realized that even though my heart still feel the pain, but if i direct my thought and action to other positive things, it will influence my feeling and make myself better. and i'm so grateful here that i have lots of frens who are willing to help me in doing that ;) right after this, i'll ask them to help me creating those wonderful memories together. YEAH!!!

Vinh (my vietnamese fren whom i had sleepover with last night) said that... OK, i forget. it's stupid. she said a lot of things. but one thing she said, c'est la vie. it's french, it means 'it's just life'. we'll move on. i'll move on. i'll be great and greater and greater. and it's just a pity for him if he can't recognize how he should appreciate me that much! *ok, it sounds like i'm an ex-girlfriend who has just been dumped. but don't care. i just want to bitch out :p

HAHAHAHAHHA *ketawa ga jelas, ga tau kenapa.

tell me what you think. critics and supports are mostly welcome. but please, please, please, don't corner me down. i'm still in an unstable mental condition. if u do that, i may jump from the window. from the ground floor ;D haha.

CIAO!

Girls, what do you think? ;)

haloo semuanyaa. uda lama ga isi bucur nih. hehe. kadang bingung sendiri mau ngisi apa di sini, soalnya semua yang ada di kepalaku kaya ruwet gitu d... :p sekilas berita, ada update terbaru soal co cina baik hati yang nolongin aku waktu awal2 di sini.

ok, singkat cerita, mulai awal taon ini kita jadi lebih deket dan baru2 ini, sebulan kali ye, kita jadi dekeeet banget. kadang sampe deketnya agak kaya couple gitu (hey, keep in mind, aku ga ngapa2in ya ma dy. cuma deket aja). dan baru2 ini, he starts dating again. so i feel a little bit sad and left behind :p yah, sedih aja, karena sekarang aku ga bisa kontak dy sebebas aku mau dulu. dan dy juga ga seperhatian dulu, dy ga se'asyik' dulu, yang bener2 pengen tau aku gimana. i feel soo saad. aku kasi tau temenku tu. dan aku minta saran. 1 ce dan 1 co. dan iya, emang sesuai kata mereka, itu wajar banget. kadang, yang menyatukan teman itu status, single ato engga. hahaha. dan sekarang, temenku itu, si weiwei uda move on. kayanya date nya berhasil gitu d. dan dy mau consider ce itu seriously sekarang. nice. i'm happy for both of them. and i won't bitching out about my feeling again. cos i also realize that life must go on. kita itu ga berdiri di satu tempat, tapi berenang dari satu pulau ke pulau lainnya. jadiiii, ini saatnya kita bergerak :)

di sisi lain, aku ngerasa, ada baiknya juga dy nemu pacar seperti ini (eh, belum resmi si, tapi kayanya bakal segera. hehe). karena dengan begini, aku jadi ga tergantung lagi ma dy. tapi lebih terdorong (atau terpaksa yaa..) untuk bisa mandiri. klo dulu, ada apa2 kan, eh, ke centrum yuk, makan bareng. eh, lagi ngapain? aku telpon ya. eh, masak bareng yuk. gitu2 d... tapi, ya aku ga bisa gitu lagi ma dy. karena sekarang aku uda harus consider ada ce laen yang harus dy perhatiin dan jaga perasaannya. i want to consider this event as a chance to improve myself! now that i know i should not stick to one person, i hope that i'll be encouraged more to know people surrounding me and expand my network ;) it's definitely an opportunity, not a disaster :D

duh, temen2, bukannya mau melankolis ato gimana ya.. tapi selama aku nulis post ini, aku sedih tau (sampe mau agak2 nangis gitu.. T_T). aku ngerasa sedih banget karena aku takut banget kehilangan seorang temen. orang yang begitu penting dalam hidupku (at least for the past month). dan mungkin, dalam hidupku, aku ngerasa tertinggal oleh banyak orang, jadinya aku sampe over gini reaksinya... well, nevermind tho, i'll be fine for sure. cos i know that i'm a strong girl :)

on the other hand, aku sempet mikir juga si, kenapa aku sampe sesediih itu. sedihnya agak berlebihan soalnya. hehehe. dan aku nyadar, ternyata, dari pertemuan kita yang pertama itu (yang terlalu berkesan dan terlalu unik), aku mungkin punya harapan lebih sama dy. mungkin, aku berharap dy bakal jadi 'orang yang deket banget' ato punya arti lebih buat aku dalam jangka waktu yang lama. things like that. dan akhir2 ini, sebulan ini, ketika kita deket banget, ada masa di mana aku sampe ngerasa 'gimanaaa' gitu sama dy. he arouses some feelings in me which i thought already dead. feelings which you feel when you're with your significant one. i bet it's because he treated me waay too nicely. dan sekarang, terakhir kita makan bareng, aku ngerasa banget lo, dy lebih tegas, lebih to the point, less attentive, less 'romantic'(?), yaa, uda kaya temen biasa aja lagi. ceritanya, kalo kamu jatuh, makin tinggi, makin sakit jatuhnya. yeah, he already put me in a very high tower, so now when i jump, it hurts like hell.

at the same time, aku juga mikir, saat dy perlakuin aku super nice kaya gitu. sebetulnya aku juga buat suatu trade off dengan dy dan diriku sendiri. aku tau aku ga mau jadi pacarnya. dan dy juga tau aku naksir co laen (co korea brengsek itu..). dan dy juga state klo dy ga mau pacarin aku karena dy takut kehilangan temennya (soalnya mantannya dy itu mantan temen deketnya dy juga. waktu mereka putus, pertemanan mereka juga putus gitu). jadi, waktu aku terima semua perlakuan manisnya, aku juga sadar klo aku kaya masuk ke fase 'hubungan tanpa status' gitu d. ntar klo salah satu uda ada pasangan, ya yang laen harus berani nerima resiko, it's over. and it seems, it's my turn to be in that position ;) realizing this, makes me feel better so much.. cos i know now that it's a consequence. i change, he changes. we both change (PS: ga cuma dy yang berubah jadi makin mandiri kok, aku juga berubah.. jadi makin composed).
FYI, alasan kita jadi deket banget itu karena kita super kesepian dan saat itu kita lagi ada di tahap2 krisis dalam hidup kita. and for me, it's absolutely normal that we react that way to each other. saat itu, kita saling ada untuk satu sama laen, dan kita juga cukcok ngobrolnya gitu. so, whatever happens, it happens naturally.

i don't want to regret our meeting. selama ini, aku mikir, kenapa ya kita ketemu. dua orang yang unlikely buat ketemu, tapi kenapa bisa ketemu? dan aku sadar, salah satu gift dy yang paling berharga buat aku itu adalah 'feeling'. aku ga tau mulai dari kapan, tapi sampe beberapa minggu lalu, hatiku itu kaya kosong gitu loh. ga bisa ngerasain apa2. klo denger cerita sedih, ya biasa aja. uda kaya stoic gitu. feelingless. heartless. tapi, karena aku deket sama dy, aku mulai bisa ngerasa 'lebih'. i start to feel once again. and, it's so so wonderful. mungkin, takdir pertemuan kita cuman sampe di sini aja. my time with him is over. and it's the other girl's turn (cos i think they also meet by chance, you know. ga seheboh ceritaku, tapi menurutku, juga ada banyak unsur coincidence, atau coincidence yang dibuat2 :p). so, i'll walk away with a smile on my face. i know now (just confirm with him) that their first date is nice and they will have other dates. they'll be just fine. i think that their character also complement each other. so, it may be a happy ending for both of them :)

di waktu bersamaan, aku juga ngerasa sediih n sebel si. aku tertinggal. jealous juga. sial, kenapa dy duluan yang dapet pacar. klo aku duluan yang dapet kan, aku ga bakal di posisi ini :p sebaaall!!! tapi ya udahlah, mau gimana. klo dipikirin malah tambah sengsara aku. mungkin ini waktunya aku melihat2 kali yo. jangan terpaku ma satu dua orang aja. tapi lebih melebarkan sayap. hahahaha.

ciao2. balesin ya. sangat ingin mendengar pendapatmu :)

~confused~

Shell : Hai teman...hehe...Hm..kali ini cuma mau sharing sedikit sih tentang kebingunganku... (baca title di atas, hehe)...kan aku dah lulus nih...(ya..belum lulus2 amat sih, masih ada ujian nasional gitu2...tapi bisa dibilang udah mau lulus lah..)..nah...rasane tuh bingung banget piye nyari kerja, nanti karir gimana mau kaya apa, gimana cari2 channel buat kerja n PTT...gitu-gitu...aku ngerasa di saat ini aku bener2 alone n lonely...i mean...ya aku ngga punya banyak temen deket...temen deketku masih kuliah belum lulus...temen2 lain ya sekadarnya aja, ya bareng karena pas sama aja kuliahnya, tapi di luar itu ya jarang banget lah hang out bareng gitu, lebih sering aku pergi2 sama anak kos yang beda jurusan n lebih muda (angkt.2007 ke bawah)...so...sekarang baru kerasa kalo aku ini agak antisosial juga ya...sekarang aku bingung aja harus memulai dari mana untuk nyari kerja...haha...udah nyoba di jobstreet sih, tapi kaya gitu susah ya, biasanya minta yang udah experienced...kalo dokter emang harus PTT dulu segala macem baru bisa lamar2 kerja di RS besar. Buat cari pengalaman paling harus kerja di klinik2 dulu, itu pun ada hierarkinya jadi ngga bisa langsung full time gitu, tapi sistemnya gantiin shift dokter-dokter yg udah ada di sana (nota bene senior2ku gitu)...yah, makanya perlu channel yg oke...tapi kok aku ngerasa bingung ya how to start asking them about i am seeking jobs... do you have any solution with this?? Aku orang yang susah deket sama orang lain, n suka ngerasa kagok kalo harus minta tolong sama orang lain, n kagok juga tiba2 ngedeketin seseorang karena ada butuh...i'm not that type...so....gimana caranya aku bisa tanya2 tentang kerjaan ini ya.....huhuhu...stuck nih...Aku ngerasa aku ini lebih ke single fighter...kaya waktu aku nyari beasiswa, nyari kerjaan di perpus...yah...aku cari2 sendiri n ga minta tolong orang lain...so, dalam situasi kaya sekarang aku bingung harus gimana...what suppose i do? Hahaha...umm...for your information, nyari kerjaan dokter itu agak susah kalo buat fresh graduates...hm...so biasanya yg dibutuhin channel...gitu deh...but i don't know how to start... >.< Any comment from u guys??